Apologies, Explanations, Updates

I'm Back! 

I know, I know. I have been gone FOREVER. I just up and left, no explanation. Well let me start with this. I didn't plan on just ghosting like that. I honestly didn't. I always meant to keep up with this blog, but before I knew it months and months had gone by! Was I busy with work? Of course. Was I busy with my relationship? Well, yes. But are these the reasons I put off writing? No. So why did I just disappear? 

To put it simply, I was not in a mental space where I felt like I could write publicly. I have always been sort of an odd duck. I prefer colder weather over heat, humidity leaves me feeling suffocated and trapped. I am extremely affected by my environment. I overthink things to the point that I get actual headaches. When I feel stressed and anxious I sink into myself. I end up doing my best to avoid any kind of social situation I possibly can. I just completely check out. I have struggled with certain mental conditions since I was 14 years old. I have done my best over the past ten years to function as "normally" (what does that even mean, though?) as possible. But I am human and sometimes it all gets away from me. 

This summer was one of those times. As I mentioned in previous blog posts, summers in Japan are very humid, especially in the south. I love Osaka but I can't stand the humidity of the summers! I know am not alone in hating humidity. A lot of people do but they still go about their daily lives just fine. But this summer just hit me hard. I already had a lot of stress from work and my personal life (nothing to do with Tamito however. He has and continues to be my biggest supporter and my rock) and this all impacted my health. I got sick numerous times. Maybe it makes me sound like a baby but I just couldn't handle the heat, humidity and overall discomfort on top of the stress. I felt overwhelmed - sick mentally and sick physically. I stayed in for most of August. I did go on a mini beach vacation to Lake Biwa with Tamito though which was a nice getaway. But aside from that I didn't really see anyone. I just hid out in my apartment. I checked out.

All the stress, anxiety, and pressure I was feeling left me with no motivation. I love writing. It has always helped me in my life. But in this situation I just felt empty and like I had nothing to offer. So I didn't post. At first I felt guilty and ashamed, like I had failed. This only increased my anxiety and stress. But after a while I realized that I didn't have to feel like that. I needed this time to work through my feelings, to deal with all the stress and pressure I was feeling from my life and take care of myself. 

Mental health isn't a joke. It isn't an aesthetic on a tumblr blog or something to make tweets more interesting. It is a serious thing that people deal with every day. It is not just cute self care tips like "Drink green tea!" or "Take a warm bath!" and while yes, that is part of it (I do all those things and more) it is also just finding the strength to get out of bed and change out of your pjs. It's mustering up the ability to cook something for dinner instead of just ordering out. It's trying to clean your apartment. It's having to deal with going to work and putting on a happy face when all you wanna do is turn around and run out the door. I couldn't balance all that and blog as if nothing was bothering me.

Not All Gloom and Doom

That being said, not everything in my life recently has been negative! I have worked through a lot of the causes for my anxiety and while I am currently still working on them I have come very far in terms of coping with the reality of it all. I am still collecting, still obsessing over Lush and makeup, and still stupidly in love with Tamito. I don't know how I could be handling all of this stuff without him by my side. 

Speaking of that, keep checking back because we have some exciting news coming up soon! However we don't want to spill any beans until it's finished and all the i's have been dotted and t's have been crossed. This has been another reason I have been MIA actually! 

I just want to thank you all for your understanding. It is hard to explain situations like these but I promise that if I ever need to take a hiatus again I will give a heads up before just taking off!

I am so happy to be back and I can't wait to share more of my ideas, reviews and roller coaster of a life with you all!