What I Didn't Expect from Being In an Intercultural Relationship

Being in love is great. There is nothing like being in love! The butterflies, the kisses, the cuddles, going on adventures and making memories. It's amazing. If it wasn't, why would there be countless books and movies and songs devoted to it? There is not much better than the bringing together of two people.

But relationships are also tricky. You're constantly learning about your partner, yourself, your need and wants, your partners needs and wants. As you grow in your relationship there are often times you'll be faced with something you didn't expect. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes unexpected things are the best things! In previous relationships I have been faced with unexpected things that were blessings, and some that were a slap in the face.

Being in an intercultural relationship brings along its own unique challenges and experiences. Some things I knew were inevitable but others I was not expecting at all.  

Learning How to Actually Communicate

 

I love words. I love writing them, I love reading them, I love speaking them. I always held a sort of secret pride in my words, feeling that I was a master at using them to express my thoughts, feelings and ideas. Communication was my strongest and most valuable point.

But when I started dating Tamito I realized...I don't know how to communicate at all! There is nothing like having a discussion with someone who you don't share a native tongue with to make you realize how crap you can be at getting your point across! But not only that, add in the different ways different cultures communicate  feelings and you got yourself quite the situation!

When dating someone from a different culture than your own you soon realize how important communication is. Of course most people know communication is key but being in an intercultural relationship it isn't just communication that is key, but effective communication. When we have a disagreement or if one of us is upset it can be hard to properly explain what is going on inside of our heads. Before I met Tamito I was the queen of comebacks. My parents always told me I had an answer for everything. I would always have an answer ready to go with examples, metaphors, and alliterations.

That style doesn't work in my relationship.

If I try to explain how I am feeling with long, complicated words that are hidden in meaning expecting Tamito to figure out what I really meant to say and how I am really feeling, it just won't work. Tamito is an excellent English speaker but it isn't his native language. He didn't grow up with it, leaning all the nuances and actual meanings (e.g. "whatever" doesn't really mean "whatever" and if your girlfriend answers with "k.", you're in trouble!) like I did. If I am not absolutely upfront and clear with how I am feeling he just won't get it. If he doesn't get it, how can we solve the problem?

The same goes for the opposite way. Tamito has to think carefully and choose his words wisely when he tries to express how he feels. If he isn't careful he could misuse a word and suddenly I could think he is mad at me when really he's just tired. Or he will know how to express it in Japanese, but the exact English escapes him.

Being in an intercultural relationship requires simple, straight forward, careful and honest communication. I didn't expect to have to adapt how I express myself as much as I have but honestly it's been so beneficial. Just being straightforward, simple and clear helps bring about mutual understanding much quicker and much more effectively than dancing around fancy words.

People Will Make Comments

 

People always say they don't care about race, culture, skin colour, etc. They'll say "I don't care what is on the outside, it is on the inside that matters!" While I know many people don't care about where you're from or what language you speak at home or the colour of your skin what I didn't know was many people will still make comments on intercultural relationships. Unsolicited, unnecessary comments.

Intercultural relationships are hardly a new thing. They existed for years, and with the globalization of today's world they will only increase in number. Yet if I had a dollar for every time someone made a comment on my relationship with Tamito that was focused on our different cultures and race I would never have to worry about having change for a coffee again!

Don't misunderstand, I am aware most of the comments I receive are well-intended and not meant to be rude or out of line. I try to keep that in mind when and if I choose to respond to them. But I'm also only human and these questions can get aggravating.

Questions and comments Tamito and I have received range from "What is it like to sleep with a gaijin (foreigner)?", "Could you really marry a gaijin?" "Oh she makes you bentos? She's just like a Japanese, no wonder you get along!" "He lived abroad, he is an Americanized Japanese and is used to  gaijin that's why your relationship works." "He's cute, for an Asian!" "But are his his parents okay with him dating a gaijin?""You look a little Japanese, so I get it..." Or just people giving general attitude and comments that insinuate we won't make it, will break up, and it will be our different cultures that will cause it.

Honestly other people put such emphasis on our different cultures and race that it's a little ridiculous. I am not saying cultural differences don't exist or matter (see my next point) but to have other people make comments on it was a surprise. I was not expecting comments like that, from Japanese and other foreigners as well. I try to be patient though. As I mentioned I am aware a lot of these comments aren't meant to be rude. I usually try and answer as honestly and politely as I can. 

Cultural Differences are Actually Relevant 

 

When Tamito and I first started dating I was adamant that I was me and Tamito was Tamito and our culture had nothing to do with our relationship. However the longer I dated Tamito the more ignorant I realize that statement was.

Of course Tamito is Tamito. He is his own, unique person who is different from other Japanese people. Every Japanese person is unique and different. Every Canadian is unique and different. But no matter what, our culture has impacted on the person we are today. Tamito instinctively shies away from confrontation, as Japanese culture avoids it like the plague. I grew up in an European household where disagreements were a normal, healthy, loud, and almost daily occurrence. I apologize for things beyond my control, making a typical Canadian stereotype true. Tamito will hold my hand in public but sometimes hesitates to give me a quick kiss if other people are around.

I would never deny my Canadian and European heritage and the impact it has on my beliefs, my values and myself as a person. I would never expect Tamito to deny his Japanese heritage. So to say it has no impact on our relationship is not just ignorant but disrespectful as well. Our different culture can cause disagreements or misunderstandings. It also strengthens our love and our bond.

Asking for Help Often

I consider myself a strong, independent, feminist woman. I never want to rely too much on another person, let alone my boyfriend. But living abroad and being in an intercultural relationship I have never had to ask for help so much in my life. And that's okay. 

It is asking for help with the every day things from not being able to understand the instructions on the box, to not knowing a kanji, to making my first hair dresser appointment, to going to the hospital. It is also asking for help when I don't understand what he is saying, or when I don't understand why he is feeling the way he is. I never expected to be asking for help so much but I realize now asking for help doesn't make me weak. Having Tamito around to help teach me things brings us closer together, makes living so far from my home country more bearable and helps bridge any cultural misunderstandings. When the tables are turned I don't hesitate for a second to help him.

The Amount of Self Growth

Since dating Tamito I have grown so much as a person. I have become more patient, more empathetic, more clear, more honest, and more flexible. I have learned to accept myself for who I am and to just be what makes me happy rather than worrying about the expectations of others. I have rediscovered the value of words. I have learned that just because it's what you're used to, doesn't mean it is right.

Bringing together any two different people will do this but bring in two different languages and two different cultures as well and it's a whole different ball game. It is like self growth on steroids. There will be times where it will seem too difficult, too much work and you might be tempted to think that maybe dating someone from the same culture would be easier for you both. But once you fight through those feelings of doubt you'll realize how much stronger this whole thing is making you and your partner.

Two Cultures Are Better Than One  

 

 Dating someone from a different culture than your own is exciting! There is no other way to put it! I knew dating someone with a different culture than my own would be interesting but I never realized how much of an adventure it can be! It is so fun to learn new things from Tamito about Japan that I never knew before. Why things are done this way, or what certain things mean. How a typical Japanese family celebrates a certain holiday. How to make Japanese home cooking. Everyday I learn something new! 

Sharing your own culture is fun too! It is a chance to view it from an outsider's perspective and often times you'll learn something new about it too! There have been so many times Tamito has asked how something is in Canada, or why we say something the way we do and I had to honestly think about it. Before I never really gave it a second thought. Being with Tamito I not only learn about Japan and Japanese culture but I am rediscovering my own! 

I am a firm believer that every relationship we have, romantic or otherwise, teaches us something about ourselves. Even the most difficult relationships can help us in discover something about who we are that we didn't know before. Being in an intercultural relationship has been a learning experience, I am still learning, and it is so worth it. It hasn't been 100% what I expected...it's been better!